Identity Crisis

Being a mommy has got to be the most difficult job out there. Don't get me wrong , I love being a mommy, and I would do anything for my son, but I never truly understood sacrifice until I had Ryder. It's absolutely a sacrifice I'm willing to make, but some days I feel as though I'm going through an identity crisis.

I worked for over four years as a teacher and my job defined me in many ways, so now that I'm not teaching, I feel a little lost at times. Obviously, God has a divine purpose for my life now as a mommy, and He wouldn't have made it possible for me to stay home or given me the desire to stay home if it wasn't His plan. But some days I feel like I'm not making a difference in the world, like my life serves no purpose. I know my life does serve a purpose; to take care of my family and raise our son, but some days it seems like that's not that big of a deal, like in the big scheme of things it doesn't really matter. I know that that's what our society has taught us to think and that God designed women to be mothers and care for their families, but after years of working out in the work force it's hard to reconcile my importance as a mom with what I was doing before. Now don't get me wrong, teaching was at many times a thankless job too, but the relationships I built were so rewarding and now I feel like I'm not making any impact on anyone's life. I taught over 400 students in those four years, and now I only take care of two people on a daily basis. I suppose I might make an impact on more than just my husband and my son, but it's hard to feel like you matter when you barely make it out of your pj's some days and the one person you spend 95% of your day with doesn't talk. But when I look in Ryder's little face and see that sweet smile, I know that to him, I am his whole world and that he needs me more than any of those 400 students ever did, and I'm so humbled.

It's scary to realize how much Ryder needs me, and I do worry that I'm not good enough or worthy of this calling, but to Ryder, all that matters is that I'm here for him. I see it when someone else is holding him, and he searches the room to make sure I'm nearby and then smiles and calms down. I see it in the way his face lights up when I get him up in the mornings or from his naps, that moment of recognition that mommy's here and he's not alone, or when I pick him up from nursery at church, and he's reassured that mommy always comes back for him. As long as he has me, at least for now, all is right with my son's world. So while I may have bouts of identity crisis, if I had to trade even one day as mommy for being a teacher again, I wouldn't do it. I love my boy too much to give up the chance to be home with him and watch him grow. I always said, "I can always go back to teaching later, but I'll never get the chance to go back in time and be Ryder's mommy."

 

 

Besides, who couldn't love this little guy? :)

 

 

As you can probably see, we love our toes now! :)