Identity Crisis

Being a mommy has got to be the most difficult job out there. Don't get me wrong , I love being a mommy, and I would do anything for my son, but I never truly understood sacrifice until I had Ryder. It's absolutely a sacrifice I'm willing to make, but some days I feel as though I'm going through an identity crisis.

I worked for over four years as a teacher and my job defined me in many ways, so now that I'm not teaching, I feel a little lost at times. Obviously, God has a divine purpose for my life now as a mommy, and He wouldn't have made it possible for me to stay home or given me the desire to stay home if it wasn't His plan. But some days I feel like I'm not making a difference in the world, like my life serves no purpose. I know my life does serve a purpose; to take care of my family and raise our son, but some days it seems like that's not that big of a deal, like in the big scheme of things it doesn't really matter. I know that that's what our society has taught us to think and that God designed women to be mothers and care for their families, but after years of working out in the work force it's hard to reconcile my importance as a mom with what I was doing before. Now don't get me wrong, teaching was at many times a thankless job too, but the relationships I built were so rewarding and now I feel like I'm not making any impact on anyone's life. I taught over 400 students in those four years, and now I only take care of two people on a daily basis. I suppose I might make an impact on more than just my husband and my son, but it's hard to feel like you matter when you barely make it out of your pj's some days and the one person you spend 95% of your day with doesn't talk. But when I look in Ryder's little face and see that sweet smile, I know that to him, I am his whole world and that he needs me more than any of those 400 students ever did, and I'm so humbled.

It's scary to realize how much Ryder needs me, and I do worry that I'm not good enough or worthy of this calling, but to Ryder, all that matters is that I'm here for him. I see it when someone else is holding him, and he searches the room to make sure I'm nearby and then smiles and calms down. I see it in the way his face lights up when I get him up in the mornings or from his naps, that moment of recognition that mommy's here and he's not alone, or when I pick him up from nursery at church, and he's reassured that mommy always comes back for him. As long as he has me, at least for now, all is right with my son's world. So while I may have bouts of identity crisis, if I had to trade even one day as mommy for being a teacher again, I wouldn't do it. I love my boy too much to give up the chance to be home with him and watch him grow. I always said, "I can always go back to teaching later, but I'll never get the chance to go back in time and be Ryder's mommy."

 

 

Besides, who couldn't love this little guy? :)

 

 

As you can probably see, we love our toes now! :)

Wordless Wednesday

Four Months Old

I'm way behind in updating for this month, but in my defense, I had a stomach virus for almost 5 days. It was miserable, and I pretty much didn't do anything including care for Ryder since I was so afraid of him getting sick too. So Ryder spent most of last week with Nana, Grandpa, and aunt Caitlyn much to his delight and mommy's relief! I missed my sweet boy terribly and cried when I had to send him off with Nana, but I knew he was in good hands, and I'm so grateful that they were able to help us out while I recuperated! It took a few days, but we are finally back up and running, so now that the decorations are down and put away, the house is cleaned and disinfected, and the laundry is finally caught up, well almost...let me catch you up on life for little Ryder-man this past month!

This month we busily prepared for Christmas as we went to pick out a Christmas tree,

 decorated the house,

bought Christmas presents, wrapped those presents, baked lots of goodies, and visited with lots of friends and family! It was a busy Christmas, but it was wonderful to spend it in our own home with Ryder for the first time!

 Ryder wasn't all that interested in opening presents, although he did like rattling the paper at times, but he loved all the attention from everyone, and he got a few new favorite toys like his taggie blanket, some teething rings (because yes folks, that's right, Ryder seems to be teething on anything and everything!), and his dog, Scout, that sings and lights up from Nana and Grandpa!

 He also met his great grandpa Harden and Audrey, and they seemed to like each other a whole lot! It was fun watching Ryder interact with Dave and Audrey, and I'm so thankful they were able to make the trip up to visit us!

Ryder has learned a few new tricks like rolling over! Now I know I said he had rolled over last month, but he has perfected it this month and can roll from his back to his stomach and his stomach to his back. He doesn't roll a lot, mainly because he hates being on his stomach and now he hates lying anywhere because he would rather sit up or stand, so that he can see what's going on! He has also learned to laugh, which might be mine and Tyler's favorite sound in the world! It's so contagious and can't help but bring a smile to your face even at 5am after little to no sleep! Ryder is very ticklish under his chin and right near his armpits. Sometimes when I'm trying to change his clothes I'll accidentally tickle him, and he just cackles! It's so much fun to listen to! The first time I heard his laugh it brought tears to my eyes. I can't believe how much I love this little guy!

Ryder has also discovered the exersaucer and absolutely loves it! He thinks he's such a big boy standing up in it and looking around everywhere. It keeps him entertained for long periods of time, and he's so happy spending time in it. He also likes sitting in his bumpo seat to play now. He's such a big boy and it's so fun to watch his curiosity as he takes in everything in the room. He also likes to explore textures and faces. He is constantly touching our faces and is especially fascinated with Tyler's beard! I think he's hoping to grow his own facial hair soon! He also loves playing with his feet and holds on to them as he rolls from side to side while cooing and talking, he's quite the talented little fella!

It has been a fun month of watching Ryder learn and explore, but the highlight has got to be hearing his little laugh! We are looking forward to what month five holds for us and hoping for a little snow and maybe a little slower pace of life and good health for everyone!! :)

New Year, New Goals

2011 was probably the most life-changing year of my life. I found out I was going to be a mommy, finished my last year of teaching, became a stay at home mom, gave birth to my sweet boy, and underwent so many hormonal changes, I don't even want to think about it!! But in the end, it was the best year of my life! I wouldn't trade a day of teaching for a the time I get to spend watching my little one grow, learn, and explore! It has been an incredible experience becoming a mommy, but as I have begun spending more time at home, I have come to realize that I need to make a few changes in my routine and my life to make things easier on all of us around here!

So for 2012 I have decided to set a few goals for myself, my home, and our family.

My first goal is for Tyler and I to sit at the dinner table for dinner more often. We used to be really good at this, but with the arrival of Ryder, some days I didn't even know if we were going to eat dinner, much less if we were going to be able to make it to a table. But after four months of running past each other trying to get everything done, we both realized that we desperately need our dinner time together in order to catch up on life and spend some time with one another. So Ryder is about to be introduced to the high chair as we prepare to dine together in 2012!

My next goal is to blog more frequently. Now that Ryder naps a little more consistently, I hope to be able to take some time for myself to write like I used to and get things out that are in my heart, but I also hope to catch our family up on what Ryder is doing and how he's doing. So hopefully you'll have a little more to read in this new year, I hope your New Year's resolution was to read more! :)

Another goal for me is to start working out again. I have missed taking time to exercise, and after having a baby, I could definitely use it! I don't care so much about losing weight as I do about getting my body back in shape and feeling good about myself again.

That goal also leads into another goal for me this year which is to take some time for myself more frequently. After having Ryder, me-time has become a thing of the past, and some days it wears on me and everyone else around me, so starting this year, I'm going to allow myself to have some downtime more frequently to do things that I enjoy like reading or cooking, or even watching a movie. I've come to realize that I'll be a much better mommy and wife if I take a few minutes a day for myself to feel refreshed and renewed.

My hope for this year is that Tyler and I grow closer to one another and God as we spend time daily sharing our lives and praying with one another over dinner. I also hope that we as a family are able to minister to others because God has blessed us so much, and we have a responsibility to share that blessing with others. And finally, I hope that we remain happy and healthy.

I'm looking forward to seeing what God has in store for us in 2012!! :)

Rolling with Laughter!

Well everyone it's official! We have ourselves a rolling baby!! :)

Ryder is also quite the talker and full of smiles and laughter! We love this little guy so much!!