Friday, July 16, 2010

Not Quite "Miss Perfect"

Have you ever had one of those moments where everything has been going fine and you feel great and then suddenly without warning you just break down and start sobbing? No, huh, then maybe it's just me, but I had one of those moments today. Today is Tyler's birthday, and we were planning to go out together for lunch this afternoon and everything was fine until I picked him up from his office. I'm not sure what happened, but I had trouble finding the restaurant and suddenly it all just became too much for me and I said, "I can't do this anymore." Poor Tyler had no idea what had just happened, in fact, he asked me as I was dropping him off at his office later, "Where is all of this coming from?" To which I had absolutely no answer. Things have been busy and sometimes chaotic and even a little frustrating, but honestly everything was fine until I couldn't find 4th street!

Lunch was a disaster with me in tears and barely able to say anything. I took Tyler back to work and drove home with tears running down my face. I felt terrible because this was supposed to be a special outing for Tyler, and I had ruined it, and not only that but I still needed to get him a card and wrap his present. What kind of wife doesn't even have a birthday card yet for her husband? I was overwhelmed, so I went home and after doing a brief whirlwind of cleaning to vent my frustrations, I finally sat down and let myself cry and then I began to pray and ask God what on earth was wrong with me. Well, there were no audible answers, but I did realize that I have been spreading myself a little thin the past couple of weeks trying to take care of mom and keep up with chores around the house and running Caitlyn back and forth from volleyball camp and doctor and dentist appointments, basically trying to do it all on my own. I guess somewhere in there, with so much that has been weighing heavily on my mind I had just allowed things to build up. I also realized that I'm not "Miss Perfect" as I so desperately want to appear to everyone. No, I'm just human, and I make mistakes and I get lost trying to find my way around downtown, and I forget to pick up wrapping paper and birthday cards, and I even get a little worried over things that don't really matter. I guess I just felt guilty for not being able to do everything for everyone else, and I've been afraid of letting someone down. But once I calmed down and was able to breathe, I realized that I don't have to have all the answers, and I don't have to be "Miss Perfect," I just need to do the best that I can and when I can't do something I need to say so or ask for help. It's easier said than done, but after today's breakdown, I think it's time I start trying.

Here's to a much better night tonight as we celebrate Tyler's birthday!! He really is the best and was kind enough to inform me that had he known how overwhelmed I was, he would've stepped in and helped. Too bad I didn't know how close to the breaking point I was or else I might've told him sooner than when I was sobbing on 3rd street.

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